Father's Day

My grandpa is in town this weekend. There's no exclamation point for a reason... He's a pretty cool guy, but one can only stand his company in short bursts. I have the pleasure of hanging out with him for two days. I'm half-way through! Don't get me wrong, I love the man but being around him is just depressing.

My grandma has Alzheimer's disease. She's quickly getting worse, and I haven't seen her in almost a year because she wasn't coherent the last time I visited her. I know I need to see her one last time, but I need to be prepared for an absolute rush of negativity that the visit will put on me. I'm not sure how much longer she has.

We've all seen the notebook, right? Well think of the scene where the family is visiting Noah and trying to convince him that Allie is gone and she's never going to come back. That's what it's like right now, but my grandpa has fought so hard saying that she's getting better and better every day that he sees her. She's talking to him, and starting to act normal around him and asking to come home. At least that's what he tells us. It's hard to believe, because if she actually has Alzheimer's disease it's impossible.

My grandpa loves his wive and will fight to say that God will heal her because He is a good and gracious God and that he only punishes those with disease that somehow deserve it. It's hard to talk with someone that thinks this every day of their life. A man who blames himself for his wife's illness is not much of a joy to be around, but I will always love him. I am sad for him when he is around, because the situation is so much more real than ever before. The woman he loves is dying, and slowly at that. There will be a day when she leaves him; whether in death or just in absolute memory loss. My family prays that day will come sooner rather than later. We are all emotionally drained when around the situation.

This was a negative post on a supposed-to-be celebratory day, and for that I apologize. Death is a very real part of life, and the sooner we become comfortable with the notion of it, the better life will be. Love those that you love and love those that you hate, because you never know when they will be gone from your life; whether it be physically or mentally.

Listen to Your Heart

This post has been a long time coming. I have had two relationships this year, and both have ended for the same reasons: I'm scared of what the future holds and I want to do amazing things in my life that hold me back from "being with" someone.  Don't get me wrong, I really do like being in a relationship.  I think every girl craves it inside.  I just let my mind run when I'm in one.

My desire is to travel and live oversees.  Now finding a man to do that here, and one that likes me at that, is pretty much hopeless.  It's not a sad thing, but realistic.  I'm a down to earth girl who sometimes acts like a boy and doesn't care about what a whole lot of people think about her.  The guys I attract are the ones looking for their wives, and I am not ready to be tied down.

Marriage is not a bad thing, but I just don't want it right now.  I want to have fun with friends.  I also want a relationship with a boy, but I know that it would be hard for me to have anything along those lines unless his life plan matched mine perfectly.  For those that down know my life plan, this is an extremely slim chance.  I want to move to the middle-east after college.  I want to start a life oversees and communicate with people from different faiths and build close relationships with them.  My passion is to have us all love one another through our differences and through understanding each other rather than just going off of what certain people say about certain religions.  It will be a tiring and stressful lifestyle, but it's what I am being called to do.

What I want in a husband is a strong Christian man; which most likely would not agree with my lifestyle choices.  I am completely aware of this, and have thought about it a lot.  Sometimes I think it would be better if I just married someone that didn't have a strong faith or had a faith outside my own.  I tend to get along with those people more anyway.  The picture of the man I wanted when I was growing up is slowly blurring its way out of my mind, and I don't know if this is a good or bad thing.  In Red Oak I'm led to think it's bad, but in Norman it's the only thing that makes sense.

I really do feel like I'm two different people.  At college I'm striving to be this extremely caring and compassionate person for people of all colors and walks of life, but at home I'm encouraged to stick to the sidelines of Christianity and not ask questions or associate myself with people that are different from me. This white, American, Christian woman is getting tired of being marginalized into being with the norm of her faith.  I need to break out of my shell and see the world, but only when I'm in Norman.  I need to find who I am.

So as I listen to my heart and turn away another perfect guy and a chance of happiness, I am being called to follow my dreams.